I have been doing a fair amount of advocating for some of our children over the last few weeks. It started me thinking about all of the details and steps that I take to wade through all the red tape, make contact with the right people and follow the proper channels. Sometime in the recent past, I had a huge revelation…not everyone is like me! While I am sure this goes without saying, the point I want to make here is that not everyone likes to go toe to toe with an adversary (or perceived adversary). A lot of people would rather avoid locking horns with authority figures. Some people just do not like confrontation, while others (like me) sort of live for it!
Now before anyone gets the wrong idea here, I am not going to suggest some sort of civil unrest activity, law breaking or authority figure bashing…nothing like that. This topic is just something that I have been dealing with lately and I wondered if other families might benefit from what I have learned…sometimes the hard way. Some of these tips might be a ‘no brainer’ for you, but if by chance you are under a lot of stress and forgetful…here are some gentle reminders.
First let’s start with the three P’s - Polite, Patient and Persistent.
Polite – Grandma always said that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar…even though it is sort of a gross idiom, it does make the point. I have learned that a little bit of appreciation and gratitude can go a long way. Some of the people that you may be dealing with are overworked and underpaid…or at least feel like they are which often makes them grouchy. Some of these folks also work with other families that express a huge sense of entitlement…meaning they have “the world owes me” kind of attitude. Sometimes a simple ‘Thank You for all of your hard work on behalf of our family’, may be the only positive thing they have heard in months at this job.
Always try ‘honey’ first, you may be forced to go with ‘vinegar’ down the road, but we’ll discuss that later.
Patient – Give people the appropriate amount of time to respond to your request. Unless you have an extremely urgent matter, cut them some slack. I try to make a practice of giving people plenty of notice as often as I can, so that I am not always bombarding them with urgent requests all over the place. If you try to follow this practice you will hopefully avoid “the boy who cried wolf” syndrome. Then if you do have an urgent request come up, they will hopefully respond quickly.
Persistent – While this may seem to be a direct contradiction to the previous tip. I like to call it “Patiently Persistent.” This is where you have to balance allowing them the time they need versus following up to make sure they are doing whatever needs to be done. This means that you keep on top of things, checking in to see what progress is being made, follow up phone calls, follow up emails, etc. Do not assume anything or take anything for granted. A nice way of putting it would be, “Trust but Verify” EVERYTHING.
I have a few more thoughts on this subject but I will save those for the next post. Until then...Merry Christmasl!!
Cherri
Remove financial barriers to make YOUR adoption dream come true!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Three I’s of Advocacy
This week we will continue with a series on how to be your child’s best advocate. Here are three I’s of Advocacy.
Investigate – Do research (internet or otherwise) to find out as much as you can about whatever topic you are dealing with. If your child has a medical, emotional or behavioral diagnosis, then become very educated about it. If you are dealing with a state health program or some other form of a government program, then research that. Many times the manuals for government programs can be found online with a little bit of digging. Take detailed notes or print out the pages that pertain to your child’s situation or case. Keep all of this information in one safe place where you can access it easily if you need to. Here is why: Because of the state of the economy (both state and national) over the last few years, there can be a fairly high turnover rate for employees whose job it is to review cases and make determinations, which means that some details about your child’s case might be over looked (i.e. lack of experience in this field). There have been several times that I have had to utilize this information to help petition my child’s case. I have had to pull from their own program manual and site article numbers from that manual back to them and politely point out that they missed considering this in the review. This can make all the difference in the world on whether you child may qualify for services or not. I understand that this may seem like a lot of work, and sometimes it is! But you just simply have to keep on top of things if you want to see results. It’s like I said in a previous article on this subject, “Be patiently persistent and trust but verify EVERYTHING.”
Inquire- Ask questions. Do not be afraid to ask questions and sometimes ask a lot of questions! I was taught that there are no stupid questions just stupid answers, so that is always how I have approached life. You will never get any answers unless you ask the questions. Do not feel ashamed if you do not understand the terminology that is being used by the professionals you are dealing with whether it is medical, psychological, or financial. Sometimes professionals overlook that the average person, who is unfamiliar with their field of expertise, has no clue what the professional is talking about or explaining. Ask the professional to explain his/her counsel to you in layman’s terms and to write down specific terms they are using on a piece of paper for you so that you can go home and look them up later. Keep well written notes and documentation of every meeting, phone call and/or communication of any kind. I will go more into this type of organization in a future article.
Insist –You may remember from the advocacy article I posted a few weeks ago, I mentioned the idiom “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” I said, “Always try ‘honey’ first, you may be forced to go with ‘vinegar’ down the road, but we’ll discuss that later.” Well later is now! While the first and always best approach when dealing with anyone from professionals to state/government employees, etc. is to use “honey”, there may be a time when you have to pull out a little bit of “vinegar.” Please understand that I am not advocating some sort of blasting of people, civil unrest, use of profanity or anything of that nature. However, there may be times that you must be firm and stand your ground and insist that a matter be taken care of promptly and properly. This can be very uncomfortable for some people, especially those who do not like conflict. This also may mean that you have to go up the chain of command in order to get results. For example, a friend of mine had a baby. Their family was covered by X insurance, which had promised to pay for all of her pre-natal care. After the baby was born, the doctor’s office continued to bill her for payment of services. She continued to contest that X insurance company was supposed to pay for the pre-natal care she had received from the doctor. This went on for several months and she finally called the insurance company which gave her the run around as to why they weren’t going to pay for the pre-natal care. A few more months went by with back and forth between the doctor’s office and the insurance company. She finally said one day, “Well, I guess I’ll just pay them. We can’t afford it and the insurance company told us that they would pay, but I am tired of getting phone calls and letters demanding payment.” I suggested that she contact the insurance commissioner for our state in writing and on the phone to explain what was going on. Miraculously two weeks after she contacted the insurance commissioner, she received a very apologetic letter from the insurance company stating that it was all a big misunderstanding and they were going to pay the doctor 100 percent of the bill! Don’t let anyone bully you or make you feel like an idiot. Sometimes it pays to be a little bit insistent!
Please share your stories of how you have learned to advocate for your children. You probably have as many tips and suggestions as I do.
Have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving enjoying family and friends!
Cherri
Investigate – Do research (internet or otherwise) to find out as much as you can about whatever topic you are dealing with. If your child has a medical, emotional or behavioral diagnosis, then become very educated about it. If you are dealing with a state health program or some other form of a government program, then research that. Many times the manuals for government programs can be found online with a little bit of digging. Take detailed notes or print out the pages that pertain to your child’s situation or case. Keep all of this information in one safe place where you can access it easily if you need to. Here is why: Because of the state of the economy (both state and national) over the last few years, there can be a fairly high turnover rate for employees whose job it is to review cases and make determinations, which means that some details about your child’s case might be over looked (i.e. lack of experience in this field). There have been several times that I have had to utilize this information to help petition my child’s case. I have had to pull from their own program manual and site article numbers from that manual back to them and politely point out that they missed considering this in the review. This can make all the difference in the world on whether you child may qualify for services or not. I understand that this may seem like a lot of work, and sometimes it is! But you just simply have to keep on top of things if you want to see results. It’s like I said in a previous article on this subject, “Be patiently persistent and trust but verify EVERYTHING.”
Inquire- Ask questions. Do not be afraid to ask questions and sometimes ask a lot of questions! I was taught that there are no stupid questions just stupid answers, so that is always how I have approached life. You will never get any answers unless you ask the questions. Do not feel ashamed if you do not understand the terminology that is being used by the professionals you are dealing with whether it is medical, psychological, or financial. Sometimes professionals overlook that the average person, who is unfamiliar with their field of expertise, has no clue what the professional is talking about or explaining. Ask the professional to explain his/her counsel to you in layman’s terms and to write down specific terms they are using on a piece of paper for you so that you can go home and look them up later. Keep well written notes and documentation of every meeting, phone call and/or communication of any kind. I will go more into this type of organization in a future article.
Insist –You may remember from the advocacy article I posted a few weeks ago, I mentioned the idiom “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” I said, “Always try ‘honey’ first, you may be forced to go with ‘vinegar’ down the road, but we’ll discuss that later.” Well later is now! While the first and always best approach when dealing with anyone from professionals to state/government employees, etc. is to use “honey”, there may be a time when you have to pull out a little bit of “vinegar.” Please understand that I am not advocating some sort of blasting of people, civil unrest, use of profanity or anything of that nature. However, there may be times that you must be firm and stand your ground and insist that a matter be taken care of promptly and properly. This can be very uncomfortable for some people, especially those who do not like conflict. This also may mean that you have to go up the chain of command in order to get results. For example, a friend of mine had a baby. Their family was covered by X insurance, which had promised to pay for all of her pre-natal care. After the baby was born, the doctor’s office continued to bill her for payment of services. She continued to contest that X insurance company was supposed to pay for the pre-natal care she had received from the doctor. This went on for several months and she finally called the insurance company which gave her the run around as to why they weren’t going to pay for the pre-natal care. A few more months went by with back and forth between the doctor’s office and the insurance company. She finally said one day, “Well, I guess I’ll just pay them. We can’t afford it and the insurance company told us that they would pay, but I am tired of getting phone calls and letters demanding payment.” I suggested that she contact the insurance commissioner for our state in writing and on the phone to explain what was going on. Miraculously two weeks after she contacted the insurance commissioner, she received a very apologetic letter from the insurance company stating that it was all a big misunderstanding and they were going to pay the doctor 100 percent of the bill! Don’t let anyone bully you or make you feel like an idiot. Sometimes it pays to be a little bit insistent!
Please share your stories of how you have learned to advocate for your children. You probably have as many tips and suggestions as I do.
Have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving enjoying family and friends!
Cherri
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Special Needs = Special Blessings
Yesterday while in the doctor’s office waiting for my son's post-op check-up, I picked up a copy of a typical doctor’s office magazine. I normally do not read these types of magazines, but I did not bring my work bag in with me. I usually carry a bag with a never ending “To Do” list, work project, laptop, etc. A significant part of my life can be summed up with “Hurry up and wait.” Therefore, I almost always bring work to do. Some people call me “Type A”, while I prefer the term, “multi-tasker.” At any rate, I found this article tucked away in between all of the latest celebrity news and drama. It was about a family whose little girl does not seem to age. She has remained similar to a six-month-old child for 16 years. It was so touching to read what the family said about her. They obviously have struggles and had to sacrifice a ton. However, they say that they like her the way she is and they would not want to change her. I am sure they had hopes and dreams of what she would grow up to be but they have accepted their reality with love and grace. They accept her as a blessing in their lives. I have read so many stories of families whose children have special needs. While most will acknowledge the trials, sacrifice and burdens they bear, I have yet to come across any family that wishes the child was not in their life. They somehow have overcome their own selfish desires and looked beyond to something greater. Most parents of children with special needs will testify that it is not about what they did for the child, it is about what the child has done for them. One North Carolina mother reported that her family’s decision to adopt a daughter with special needs has blessed them in some surprising ways. She says, “We have learned some things the medical reports don’t tell you: how a child can sprout with the daily care and love of a family. No medical report could describe how much our family has grown. Each of us has learned to be patient, less selfish, to look at people differently.”
I may have told you before about my son Simon who has the special need of being cleft affected. What I did not tell you is that I also have two other special needs children. Well, actually all of my children have special needs, but only three of them are classified by medical professionals as “special needs.” Let me explain. All of my children have the special need of needing to be loved, listened to, cared for and understood. My oldest is a sophomore at a local university. She needs a few relationships that are interpersonal and deep. She is now one of my best friends. My second born is a freshman in high school. He needs a lot of social interaction and thrives in an environment of many friends. He has the dream of attending West Point and developing a distinguished military career. My third child is in seventh grade. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified). PDD-NOS disorder is somewhere in the autism spectrum. This means that he has several autistic behaviors, but they do not fall within a specifically named autistic disorder. He has sensory overload and social interaction challenges. Despite his challenges, he quite possibly could grow up to be one of the world’s greatest architectural engineers. Our fourth child, Jintry, was the first child we adopted and there were several concerns about her birth history that placed her in the category of “minor special needs” when we accepted her referral. She is fine and healthy now, but there are still many unknowns about her future (as if any of us know what tomorrow holds). She needs a lot of friends and social interaction. Jintry may quite possibly grow up to be an ambassador to foreign countries. You’ve already met Simon our fifth child. He needs people to listen closely to what he is saying and not to interrupt while he is talking. He is possibly the funniest kid on the planet. He has such a contagious laugh that everyone who hears has to laugh also. Sami is the baby of the family. She had the longest list of medical issues and special needs concerns. With her birth history, she could have been profoundly and negatively affected for life. She is now relatively healthy and doing quite well on maintenance medication. She was mildly speech delayed, but she is now catching up. She has been rather emotionally needy, but she seems to be gaining more independence and security. She is quite possibly the world’s sweetest two-year-old.
So what is the point? Why am I telling you all of this? The point is that there are many special needs children waiting to be united with their forever families. Should everyone planning to adopt consider a special needs child? I cannot answer that question. Only those considering adoption can answer that based on their family situation and what they believe God is calling them to do. Tami Davidson is the coordinator of Dillon’s Waiting Child Program. She had this to say, “The need for forever families for children with special needs continues to increase. Overall, more children with special needs are referred to our programs. It is hard to say whether that is the result of better medical information on the children, or the result of healthier children being adopted domestically. I think it is a combination of both reasons.”
So what happens if my children do not grow up to do something world changing or amazing? What about the children with severe special needs that will never grow up to have a “normal or productive” life? The next question is who decides what is “normal” or “productive?” To answer these questions let me use a somewhat simplified example. I have a cat named Jasmine. She was named after Princess Jasmine from the Disney Aladdin movie. She does not live up to her name. She is really semi-worthless. She really serves no earthly purpose except to catch and deliver an occasional field mouse. Jintry and I love our cat. She does nothing for us whatsoever. We love our cat just simply because she is ours and we receive some sort of comfort and relaxation when she sits with us and we pet her. The rest of the world would not be impacted in the least if something happened to her. We would be devastated. So why is that? The cat does not live a “productive” life or really have any earthly purpose, or does she?
Am I somehow trying to compare children, especially children with special needs, to animals? The answer is a resounding, “no.” I believe that God created the universe and He created everything with a purpose and a plan, even if I do not see it, understand it or know what it is. He is sovereign and He alone holds the ultimate plan. So what about the cat? Maybe her purpose is just to sit there and let us pet her. This has a calming effect. So what about the babies with severe disabilities? Maybe their purpose is just to be held and let you smell their sweet heads and feel their soft hair on your cheek. Maybe this is what heaven smells and feels like. Maybe their purpose is for us to catch a glimpse of the face of Jesus. Maybe something will seem strangely familiar when we hear Him laugh, when He touches our face or when he wipes the tears from our eyes.
Thank you for reading, caring and taking time to consider the children with special needs. After all, each of us has a special need of some kind or another. We all need to be loved and to love with a purpose.
Cherri
I may have told you before about my son Simon who has the special need of being cleft affected. What I did not tell you is that I also have two other special needs children. Well, actually all of my children have special needs, but only three of them are classified by medical professionals as “special needs.” Let me explain. All of my children have the special need of needing to be loved, listened to, cared for and understood. My oldest is a sophomore at a local university. She needs a few relationships that are interpersonal and deep. She is now one of my best friends. My second born is a freshman in high school. He needs a lot of social interaction and thrives in an environment of many friends. He has the dream of attending West Point and developing a distinguished military career. My third child is in seventh grade. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified). PDD-NOS disorder is somewhere in the autism spectrum. This means that he has several autistic behaviors, but they do not fall within a specifically named autistic disorder. He has sensory overload and social interaction challenges. Despite his challenges, he quite possibly could grow up to be one of the world’s greatest architectural engineers. Our fourth child, Jintry, was the first child we adopted and there were several concerns about her birth history that placed her in the category of “minor special needs” when we accepted her referral. She is fine and healthy now, but there are still many unknowns about her future (as if any of us know what tomorrow holds). She needs a lot of friends and social interaction. Jintry may quite possibly grow up to be an ambassador to foreign countries. You’ve already met Simon our fifth child. He needs people to listen closely to what he is saying and not to interrupt while he is talking. He is possibly the funniest kid on the planet. He has such a contagious laugh that everyone who hears has to laugh also. Sami is the baby of the family. She had the longest list of medical issues and special needs concerns. With her birth history, she could have been profoundly and negatively affected for life. She is now relatively healthy and doing quite well on maintenance medication. She was mildly speech delayed, but she is now catching up. She has been rather emotionally needy, but she seems to be gaining more independence and security. She is quite possibly the world’s sweetest two-year-old.
So what is the point? Why am I telling you all of this? The point is that there are many special needs children waiting to be united with their forever families. Should everyone planning to adopt consider a special needs child? I cannot answer that question. Only those considering adoption can answer that based on their family situation and what they believe God is calling them to do. Tami Davidson is the coordinator of Dillon’s Waiting Child Program. She had this to say, “The need for forever families for children with special needs continues to increase. Overall, more children with special needs are referred to our programs. It is hard to say whether that is the result of better medical information on the children, or the result of healthier children being adopted domestically. I think it is a combination of both reasons.”
So what happens if my children do not grow up to do something world changing or amazing? What about the children with severe special needs that will never grow up to have a “normal or productive” life? The next question is who decides what is “normal” or “productive?” To answer these questions let me use a somewhat simplified example. I have a cat named Jasmine. She was named after Princess Jasmine from the Disney Aladdin movie. She does not live up to her name. She is really semi-worthless. She really serves no earthly purpose except to catch and deliver an occasional field mouse. Jintry and I love our cat. She does nothing for us whatsoever. We love our cat just simply because she is ours and we receive some sort of comfort and relaxation when she sits with us and we pet her. The rest of the world would not be impacted in the least if something happened to her. We would be devastated. So why is that? The cat does not live a “productive” life or really have any earthly purpose, or does she?
Am I somehow trying to compare children, especially children with special needs, to animals? The answer is a resounding, “no.” I believe that God created the universe and He created everything with a purpose and a plan, even if I do not see it, understand it or know what it is. He is sovereign and He alone holds the ultimate plan. So what about the cat? Maybe her purpose is just to sit there and let us pet her. This has a calming effect. So what about the babies with severe disabilities? Maybe their purpose is just to be held and let you smell their sweet heads and feel their soft hair on your cheek. Maybe this is what heaven smells and feels like. Maybe their purpose is for us to catch a glimpse of the face of Jesus. Maybe something will seem strangely familiar when we hear Him laugh, when He touches our face or when he wipes the tears from our eyes.
Thank you for reading, caring and taking time to consider the children with special needs. After all, each of us has a special need of some kind or another. We all need to be loved and to love with a purpose.
Cherri
Saturday, November 6, 2010
National Adoption Awareness Month Challenges
Joint Council on International Children's Services is a membership-based advocacy organization which advocates for every child's right to a safe, permanent, and loving family. Joint Council members include world renowned child advocacy organizations, orphan care organizations, adoption service providers, parent support groups, medical clinics, and professional service providers. Joint Council began its work thirty years ago as a grassroots professional organization that provided a forum for child welfare experts to share and exchange information, ideas, and their visions of Intercountry adoption and child welfare. Dillon International is a charter member of JCICS.
30-Day Challenge: The Basics
Everyday in November, as part of Joint Council’s National Adoption Month advocacy we’re asking you to take the 30-day Challenge to help improve the lives of children around the world.
Everyday will include three parts:
1) A story of a child who was lucky enough to find a family through adoption and is thriving to this day.
2) A story of a child who wasn’t/isn’t so lucky.
3) A task that everyone can do to help kids living outside family care. These tasks will take 5 – 15 minutes of your day and may include educating yourself and others about the needs of children, targeted asks to Members of Congress, or simply watching a video.
Stories and tasks will be posted on our blog everyday, as well as, throughout Joint Council’s social media forums, including Facebook, YouTube (if it’s a video) and Twitter. We encourage you to participate in the advocacy by letting your friends and family know about the effort through these social media outlets. Will you take the 30-day Challenge? If so, let us know by leaving the comment, “I Am The Answer.”
Will you take the 30 day challenge?
Stories and Task By Each Day:
November 1st 2010- Read about Mbali & Daniel and Chantelle then learn about HIV and Adoption
November 2nd 2010- Read about Nikolas and Shelby and post the below message on the president of Kyrgyzstan, Roza Otunbayeva, facebook page (found here):
“Please advocate for the 65 Kyrgyz children waiting to be adopted by U.S families. To learn more about one of these children read this story.” Then Be sure that you link to Nikolas and Shelby’s Blog Post on the President’s Wall!
November 3, 2010- Read the Stories of Jason and Minuette Mae- One Child survived the US Foster care system and found a forever family while the other did not. Once you’ve read their stories visit www.beonetoo.org and watch the “I am One Video” found on the homepage.
November 4th, 2010- Some children are true miracles. Today, read about Song, who is blind, and George who has no arms. Find out about their journey to a forever family. Then Be The Answer by spreading the word about the challenge and Joint Councils work! Find our facebook page by clicking here , “like” our page and refer our page to 5 of your friends
Be watching this blog next week because two stories submitted by Dillon International will be featured. The two titles to look for are:
Miracle of Boots by Jynger Roberts and The Perfect Plan by Tonnie Dosser
Also, this is a reminder that this Sunday, November 7, 2010 is Orphan Sunday. You can check for events in your area through this Orphan Sunday EVENTS link. Are you participating in an event? If so, please share…
Cherri
30-Day Challenge: The Basics
Everyday in November, as part of Joint Council’s National Adoption Month advocacy we’re asking you to take the 30-day Challenge to help improve the lives of children around the world.
Everyday will include three parts:
1) A story of a child who was lucky enough to find a family through adoption and is thriving to this day.
2) A story of a child who wasn’t/isn’t so lucky.
3) A task that everyone can do to help kids living outside family care. These tasks will take 5 – 15 minutes of your day and may include educating yourself and others about the needs of children, targeted asks to Members of Congress, or simply watching a video.
Stories and tasks will be posted on our blog everyday, as well as, throughout Joint Council’s social media forums, including Facebook, YouTube (if it’s a video) and Twitter. We encourage you to participate in the advocacy by letting your friends and family know about the effort through these social media outlets. Will you take the 30-day Challenge? If so, let us know by leaving the comment, “I Am The Answer.”
Will you take the 30 day challenge?
Stories and Task By Each Day:
November 1st 2010- Read about Mbali & Daniel and Chantelle then learn about HIV and Adoption
November 2nd 2010- Read about Nikolas and Shelby and post the below message on the president of Kyrgyzstan, Roza Otunbayeva, facebook page (found here):
“Please advocate for the 65 Kyrgyz children waiting to be adopted by U.S families. To learn more about one of these children read this story.” Then Be sure that you link to Nikolas and Shelby’s Blog Post on the President’s Wall!
November 3, 2010- Read the Stories of Jason and Minuette Mae- One Child survived the US Foster care system and found a forever family while the other did not. Once you’ve read their stories visit www.beonetoo.org and watch the “I am One Video” found on the homepage.
November 4th, 2010- Some children are true miracles. Today, read about Song, who is blind, and George who has no arms. Find out about their journey to a forever family. Then Be The Answer by spreading the word about the challenge and Joint Councils work! Find our facebook page by clicking here , “like” our page and refer our page to 5 of your friends
Be watching this blog next week because two stories submitted by Dillon International will be featured. The two titles to look for are:
Miracle of Boots by Jynger Roberts and The Perfect Plan by Tonnie Dosser
Also, this is a reminder that this Sunday, November 7, 2010 is Orphan Sunday. You can check for events in your area through this Orphan Sunday EVENTS link. Are you participating in an event? If so, please share…
Cherri
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)